The Un-Friendly Atheist #2

Good day to you dear readers, and Happy Blasphemy Day!

Yesterday’s blog post went so well that I thought I’d attempt another one just like it. One of the comments left yesterday concerned a very tricky conundrum:

Every day I meet the Vicar driving in the country lanes. He clearly expects me to back into a hedge while he floats by on a cloud of religious superiority. Should I ram him with my humvee? (oops) I would appreciate a swift reply to this deeply unspiritual question.

ThetisMercurio

Dear ThetisMercurio,

Every day? Well in that case, I shall whip my valet extra hard so he types my answer quickly!

Have you tried discussing your feelings with him? Vicar’s, as we all know, are famous for their lack of morals. It is possible that he may be trying to proposition you in the only way he knows how – by utilising the deluded but enviable quality of smug religious satisfaction. Some people find this very endearing. After a glass or two of sacramental wine, he would surely be an easy way to pass a dull afternoon.

However, on the offchance that he’s “one of the good ones”, I would like to question your choice of vehicle:

A humvee? Come now, it’s 2009! Where is your bicycle?  The joys of cycling are many – the cool breeze caressing your cheeks, the sensual hugging of lycra against your buttocks, and most of all: the inherent ability to cause others to sin. For what greater obstacle can one overcome than directly contributing to the downfall of middle-management Christians?

My advice to you is to chuck that old humvee in a river somewhere and invest in a brand spanking new bike! After a few weeks, it practically pays for itself. Once you have got the hang of it, go at a gentle, casual pace – especially when cycling in front of your local Vicar. On the one hand, he may get terribly angry, causing him to think violent and impure thoughts. But on the other hand, a quick flash of your finely toned posterior may induce sacreligious and downright pornographic yearnings! It really is a win-win situation.

The ability to cause others to sin is a great tool for converting them to a much better way of living. By demonstrating that there’s more to life than “being nice to each other”, we can embrace a truly enlightened existence, full of dirty sex and gratuitous aggression (or both if we’re lucky!)

Please do keep in touch, I would love to know how it works out.

Best wishes,

Carmen, the un-friendly atheist.

EDIT: I will now be blogging for the marvellous Lay Scientist. Send all your Atheism related queries to me there!

The Un-Friendly Atheist

 

Dear lovely and above average attractive readers,

Sorry I haven’t been blogging recently, have been crazy busy with committing sinister and evil acts without any care for the eternal consequences. Hopefully I will resume normal blogging frequency in the next few weeks but until then, I thought I’d share a ranty response to stuff I read on the internet this morning:

It regards an article written by Ariane Sherine in today’s Guardian, which is a response to an article someone else wrote the other day. They both got me thinking about what it means to me to be an atheist. People may wonder where I get my sense of morality from. The truth is, I haven’t one. No atheists do. If we did, we wouldn’t be atheists.

Whilst musing on my day’s progress using the vile medium we have come to know as Twitter, I was asked for some serious advice from fellow atheists who are struggling to come to terms with their chosen path in a world full of goodness. I’ll do my best to answer these queries somewhere between 140 and 3 million characters:

“I am torn between drowning a bunch of kittens and torturing some toddlers this afternoon. Your thoughts?” – @madgestar

Dear @madgestar,

This is a toughie. It reminds me of a time I once had to decide between cutting an ex-boyfriend’s testicles or penis off. Certainly, I wanted to leave him scarred, but there’s always the possibility I may have wanted to fornicate with him at some point in the future. One never knows what fresh opportunities for evil tomorrow will hold, so it is always wise to keep your options open.

Some people may prefer to savour the pleasure of being evil by prolonging the time between wrongdoings. They might suggest drowning the kittens today and boasting about it tomorrow. The torturing of toddlers can take weeks, even months. In the case of my mother’s sense of humour, it has never stopped! This is a practical idea for many, and it would certainly be an admirable choice if misdemeanours are few and far between in your neck of the woods.

Living in London, I often do not have the time to boast about the amount of evil I do, as there is just so much going on here! My advice to you is to think of a way to achieve both goals at the same time – how about placing the toddlers and kittens carefully in a sack… with a mongoose? Once you are satisfied that enough is enough, you can throw the contents of the sack into a nearby lake or river, thus drowning any remaining life. Hell, why not try and kill two passing birds with one stone wile you wait for the air to drain from their tiny, tiny lungs?

I do hope this helps.

Kind regards,

Carmen, the un-friendly atheist.

I will be blogging on David Aaronovitch (not Darren Aaronofsky) at some point. He was a pretty good speaker the other day at Skeptics in the Pub. Not as fat as his profile photo suggests. For now, have a ganders at Dave Cole’s blog. He pretty much sums it all up, not forgetting to include a comment I made about the parallels between anti-Semitism of the early 20th century and anti-Islam in the late 20th Century/early 21st. I’ll talk about this when I have the time, rest assured I have extensive notes on the matter

Why women have sex: EXPOSED

She doesn't look bored anymore

Good afternoon!

What a weekend it’s been. I went out on my date, it was a very pleasant afternoon at Kew Gardens, I highly recommend it as a fun day out. You can get 2 for 1 on tickets if you both get there by train. I’m going clubbing with my mum on Friday, so the drama that is my social life will continue. The chances of me pulling are rather slim because 1) I’m going clubbing in Croydon and 2) I’ll be out with my mum.

Today’s blog post is another dissection of a Daily Mail article. It was so much fun last time that I thought I’d give it another go… This one’s called “Why women have sex: To relieve boredom, win favours… or to stop a headache” and from that title alone, I can tell it’s gonna be a good one

I did a bit of digging around and I found this marvellous questionnaire (pdf format), which seems to be the research for Cindy Meston and David Buss’ book. You can also click here to read the accompanying information about the study that was handed out along with the questionnaire. The book won’t be released until September 29th, so I can’t really comment on it, but having a quick flick through the potential reasons is rather enlightening.

Of all the reasons listed, my absolute favourite has to be:

147. I wanted to keep warm

I can just imagine the scenario:

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

“Err… not particularly”

“You might get cold…”

“Really? Oh I hadn’t thought of that. Yeah, go on then. Climb aboard.” [or something equally as sexy]

There are loads of gems. I may print out this form and use some of the reasons as song ideas:

131. It seemed like good exercise

It shouldn’t “seem” like good exercise – it IS good exercise, it’s SEXERCISE!

7. I wanted to feel closer to God

For anyone that hasn’t either shagged to *that* song, or at least slow-danced to it, I highly recommend it. I went to see Nine Inch Nails earlier this year and the only criticism I could give was that they didn’t play it

23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.

… So that I could sell my story to the highest bidder! How exciting. To think I didn’t need to spend all these years building up the necessary administrative experience to earn less than the UK’s average wage – I could have just shagged someone famous. Doh!

Well, that’s  all very nice. Some of it isn’t as nice, like:

169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease (e.g., herpes, AIDS)

Umm… I really hope that this doesn’t happen often. That’s rather worrying…

Romance and passion, it has to be said, comes rather low down the list, according to a new book.

One woman even admitted to having sex just so her husband would put the rubbish out. 

Now that is what I call blue-sky thinking: “Darling, you put the rubbish out and I’ll tweak your prostate”.

Utterly spiffing stuff.

‘Research has shown that most men find most women at least somewhat sexually attractive, whereas most women do not find most men sexually attractive at all,’ conclude the authors, both psychology professors at the University of Texas.

Is that true? I’m not a man so I can’t speak for them, but I am one of those women that does not find most men sexually attractive. I get mild crushes on the odd bloke now again, the ones that make me laugh or the ones with uber-cool hair – I’ve never met a man who can make me laugh AND has really cool hair. If I had to draw a graph, it would look something like this:

moar funny pictures

Sorry, I’m getting a bit carried away with cheezburger.com. Where was I…? Oh yes, I often wonder if men just have lower standards? I might have to blog about that at some point. Back to the Daily Mail article on why women have sex:

… most have selfish motives, with financial or material rewards a major factor behind many sexual encounters.

In one survey of students carried out by the researchers, nearly one in ten women admitted to ‘having sex for presents’. 

Hmmm… it doesn’t specify whether the presents were offered before or after sex, so how can we really know what their precise motivation was? The only time a boyfriend has ever bought me a present was when he went on holiday for 2 weeks just before my birthday. He was so tired from jetlag when he got back that by the time we did get round to spending time together, it was my birthday – I was getting loads of presents regardless. In fact, I suspect that if I’d held off a little longer, I’d probably have got a lot more out of him.

“Nearly one in ten” means that technically over 9 out of 10 women don’t care about presents. That could be one of the most damning assertions for an inexperienced man. How would you get a woman to have sex with you? Presents probably won’t work. You’ll just have to ask nicely buy the book.

The research concluded, perhaps predictably, that women are attracted to tall men with a deep voice, who smell good.

I really can’t argue with that. A bad stench is somewhat of a deal-breaker.

A symmetrical body also helps, since it is a genetic indicator of health and suggests he will give his lover strong children.

Sadly, the only man I know of who has a symmetrical body is Dr Who, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t exist in real life. If he’s reading this though, I live just south of London, get in touch

However, those who don’t live up to this ideal can take some comfort. Their lower level of testosterone may win over the ladies too, because it suggests they are less likely to run off with another woman.

Oh that’s very reassuring. Don’t worry if you’re not tall, dark and handsome with good levels of personal hygiene. You’re more likely to cherish whatever you can get.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this article, but I have to add that it would be nice if, for a change, they printed some genuinely useful tips for men and women. Like “Communicate with your parter to find out what turns them on rather than rely on the dodgy representation of a survey carried out on the other side of the world” perhaps? *Sigh* We live in hope.

Dating Tips

This could be me later

Hello all,

Those of you following me on Twitter may be aware that I am going on a date tonight. He seems like a nice enough chap, but obviously this is something he will have the opportunity to elaborate on later. Sadly, there is a chance I will not be able to go as I woke up this morning with a stonking cold and I just want to lie in a darkened room listening to Interpol.

[EDIT: I've had to cancel my date for this evening and re-arrange it for the weekend, as I am really quite ill and wouldn't want to pass any of my germs onto anyone. You will get all the gossip later ]

Surprisingly, you may think, I don’t like the concept of “dates”. It’s nice meeting new people in a relatively stress free environment (like Skeptics in the Pub or at a festival) but there is a certain amount of pressure on a date to show yourself in the best light possible, which I’m not particularly apt at.

Luckily for me, I utilised the vast wisdom of my peers, who have come up with the following golden nuggets:

alexandervelky alt. #datingtips = Carbon has two stable, nonradioactive isotopes: carbon-12 (12C), and carbon-13 (13C).

zeno001  Just be yourself! …and don’t look toooo keen!

eddedmondson  don’t eat spinach

zeno001  …or garlic.

PaoloViscardi  don’t wear wet-look leggings.

JemRoberts  Advice for ‘dates’ would only be any use if all men were exactly the same, and all women too.

andyvglnt  Avoid caffeine, especially if you’re nervous.

andyvglnt  Don’t twitpic key moments. Some people think it’s weird. (Internet irony disclaimer)

facesake Don’t stress too much, there are plenty more fish in the barrel. #datingtips

mjrobbins  “This is 2009 dammit.” – Okay then, Google him and memorize the list of “likes” on his MyFace profile.

imrankhan85 to be fair, asking for date tips on twitter is a bit like asking for health advice at the undertakers

naomimc Don’t on any account be yrself, drink alcohol, tell smutty stories, rant about things u hate.

uksceptic  mimic him (slightly not so it’s creepy) and touch him on the upper arm. Get him to do you a favour and ask something personal.

Those are all marvellous. Especially that last one (very thorough). My three step plan based on ‘uksceptic’s’ recommendation:

1. “Ooh, that’s a nice tattoo”
2. “Could you pass me a straw?”
3. “How many times a week do you masturbate?” – [is that too personal?]

Perhaps not.

Next I decided to look at a couple of websites. Below is a selection of tips that I didn’t even realise I should be aware of from Top Dating Tips:

Never reveal information you don’t have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.

I honestly cannot think of any information that he absolutely needs to know on a first date. If I was diabetic, maybe it’d be useful. I went on a date with a diabetic once who made me stab him and test his blood just in case he passed out over dinner. That’s important and necessary information, where ignorance could ruin a date. I’m not diabetic. I am slightly asthmatic, but it’s hardly life-threatening. Maybe we’ll just talk about music.*

Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.

Oooh oooh – I did this already. I was at work when he sent me a text, and didn’t see it until I went on lunch. Does that count? Does anyone deliberately wait for a prolonged period of time before replying to a text?

If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.

What if I’m only available on the day he suggests? (which is what happened this week – woohoo District 9 tomorrow!) I’d have to rearrange all my other social engagements just so that he’d have to rearrange all his social engagements without realising that I was just being obstructive. If all that happens, and then the date goes badly, was it really worth all that effort? I mean, with the onset of climate change, is it ethical to add to the problem by wasting a load of time and energy when I was free in the first instance? And is it wise to begin a relationship with obstructive behaviour (if it gets that far)?

Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.

Who wrote this list? “Shifting landmarks”?! I do hope that’s not literal. And even if it’s figuratively, I’m not particularly keen on having to lie to someone about stuff. If he happens to ask me about my masturbating habits, I might say something coy like “Is that some kind of bird?” or “Is that that new shop on Oxford Street?” but I don’t think it’s necessary to keep him on his toes the entire time.

Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to.

Erm… I haven’t kissed that many people, but I seem to remember the experience was slightly different to kissing an inanimate object. I don’t think I’ve kissed a mirror before. Hold on…

…

…

No. That was nothing like the last time I kissed someone. It was quite cold actually. And not responsive at all. But it did fit in my handbag afterwards.

I’ll be honest, I’d be very disappointed if the date goes well, we have a good laugh, he walks me to the station, we lean in for a kiss… and then he goes “Nope. Rubbish. Can’t do this” and then walks off. It’d make a great anecdote though.

Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.

That’s just as well. I’ve never been on a date with my father.

So far this is crap. I wasn’t planning on doing any of that, maybe I should though? *I went on a date when I was a bit younger with someone who worked in my local record store. He’d asked me out after I’d had an argument with a customer about Opeth vs Dream Theater. He was so impressed, we went out for a meal a couple of days later but it was horrible. He asked me what music I was into, thinking I’d say “Oh you know, good music, like Opeth, Rage Aganst The Machine, System of a Down” (which I do, incidentally) but instead, the first band I mentioned was Muse. It was like that time I told Sunny Hundal I’d consider running for the BNP. Now my generic response is: ”All sorts of music – not really into hardcore slash metal though, but I can see it’s appeal”.

The Relationship Gym has this list of conversation tips. These do seem a lot more straightforward to be honest:

Keep the conversation light enough to allow them to open up rather than feel interrogated.

That looks pretty sensible to me

To sum up: I think ‘zeno001′ might have been right all along – just be yourself. It’s quite boring advice though. If the date gets a bit boring, I might pretend to channel the spirit of Beyonce Knowles and exclaim in no uncertain terms that he may not be ready fo’ dis jelly.

Huh? No Vitriol?

Today, instead of blogging, I did this. I’m in a particularly good mood (possibly because yesterday someone told me I was cute) and no amount of bollocks about psychic ability or anti-women crap will change my positive frame of mind.

I may post a blog later about a very nice homeopath I met, as she may become a skeptic soon, thanks to my amazing ability to engage in a debate with her on her own terms (people hate it when I do that).

Edit: Disclaimer – The above formula demonstrates a working hypothesis, although I’ve yet to meet someone that directly corresponds with it. If you are one of those people, drop me an email – carmenego.blog@googlemail.com