The Un-Friendly Atheist #2

Good day to you dear readers, and Happy Blasphemy Day!

Yesterday’s blog post went so well that I thought I’d attempt another one just like it. One of the comments left yesterday concerned a very tricky conundrum:

Every day I meet the Vicar driving in the country lanes. He clearly expects me to back into a hedge while he floats by on a cloud of religious superiority. Should I ram him with my humvee? (oops) I would appreciate a swift reply to this deeply unspiritual question.

ThetisMercurio

Dear ThetisMercurio,

Every day? Well in that case, I shall whip my valet extra hard so he types my answer quickly!

Have you tried discussing your feelings with him? Vicar’s, as we all know, are famous for their lack of morals. It is possible that he may be trying to proposition you in the only way he knows how – by utilising the deluded but enviable quality of smug religious satisfaction. Some people find this very endearing. After a glass or two of sacramental wine, he would surely be an easy way to pass a dull afternoon.

However, on the offchance that he’s “one of the good ones”, I would like to question your choice of vehicle:

A humvee? Come now, it’s 2009! Where is your bicycle?  The joys of cycling are many – the cool breeze caressing your cheeks, the sensual hugging of lycra against your buttocks, and most of all: the inherent ability to cause others to sin. For what greater obstacle can one overcome than directly contributing to the downfall of middle-management Christians?

My advice to you is to chuck that old humvee in a river somewhere and invest in a brand spanking new bike! After a few weeks, it practically pays for itself. Once you have got the hang of it, go at a gentle, casual pace – especially when cycling in front of your local Vicar. On the one hand, he may get terribly angry, causing him to think violent and impure thoughts. But on the other hand, a quick flash of your finely toned posterior may induce sacreligious and downright pornographic yearnings! It really is a win-win situation.

The ability to cause others to sin is a great tool for converting them to a much better way of living. By demonstrating that there’s more to life than “being nice to each other”, we can embrace a truly enlightened existence, full of dirty sex and gratuitous aggression (or both if we’re lucky!)

Please do keep in touch, I would love to know how it works out.

Best wishes,

Carmen, the un-friendly atheist.

EDIT: I will now be blogging for the marvellous Lay Scientist. Send all your Atheism related queries to me there!