Handbags at Dawn

 

Hello all,

Apologies (again) for the lack of blogging. The world of Fine Arts is ablaze right now with elite society spending all their hard earned/inherited cash on beautiful trinkets and as such it has been difficult to blog during the day (I’ve been working through my lunches for these people!).

I’m a bit out of practice, and haven’t even been looking at current affairs recently, so this is going to be a bit of a personal blog. Normal service will resume eventually just as soon as I can set up my laptop with those intertubes.

A few weeks ago I purchased the above handbag. I hadn’t realised at the time that I might be making a political statement by wearing it, the most common being “Racist!” frequently shouted at me by one good friend of mine. You know who you are and incidentally, I’m not a racist, I’m a realist

I bought this handbag primarily because it’s nice. It has a useful pocket on the inside, and is just the right size for my wallet, phone, keys, and chewing gum. I liked the Union Jack on the front because it’s an unusual image to have on a handbag and I thought it looked cool. Got it? I think my national flag is cool.

It’s cool because of the things it stands for. The Union Jack was originally designed on King James I (VI of Scotland) instructions when he wanted a symbol that would reflect the unity and diversity of two nations, and later the St Patrick’s Cross was incorporated into it to represent Ireland. Isn’t that nice? Such a shame that nowadays, this symbol has been hijacked by a minority of people who are actively working against these core principles.

It saddens me that people might worry about the wider aspects of wearing my national flag with pride just because there are some nasty ignoramuses (ignorami?) who insist on desecrating this beautiful symbol by their mere association. Why can’t I wear my national flag with pride without someone making a joke that it’s a racist symbol? I wish the BNP would choose something else as their logo, because it is misleading and callous to use my national flag as a symbol of their hatred.

Providing it doesn’t fall apart, I am going to exercise my right to wear my new handbag with pride. I’d like to call on my fellow Brits – whether you have Pakistani, Italian, Filipino, African, Irish, Spanish or any other family background, do us all the honour of wearing our flag as often as possible to bring back the notion of true patriotism from these sub-par bigots to it’s original emphasis on inclusion and daedaliciousness!

Carmen x

PS Many thanks to Stephen Curry for his inspiration for this post

Apologies

Hello there,

I hate these apologies for not blogging, it’s like I think you care that I haven’t erupted any vitriol for a week, but if you do care, and you have been worried: I’m ok, and thanks for your comments on Twitter, except you, Zeno, who genuinely made me worried that Twitter died due to inactivity :-P

The reason I haven’t blogged, tweeted, replied to emails, or facebooked you is because:

1) I moved house a week ago and have been spending my free time in places like Tesco’s and the awesome cardboard fort in my bedroom.
2) My laptop was attacked by the Blue Screen of Doom last week. Rather than rescue the 5 year old hard drive, I bought a new laptop which only arrived yesterday.
3) I have a normal, rather boring job, which just got kerrazy busy over the last few weeks. I’m currently eating lunch al desko while I’m typing this. Pity me, I dare you.

Hopefully normal blogging will resume next week, but the ISP at my new abode is… well… kind of shit, so I’ll do what I can!

Until then, you can catch me at Skeptics in the Pub in Holborn on Monday evening. Feel free to buy me drinks and dinner, as I just spent the last of my wages on mood lighting and scented candles for my new bedroom.

Cx

Screaming Orgasm

Good afternoon you wonderful and slightly above average people!

I shall endeavour to post once a week here, I’ve already received plenty of questions, thank you to all those who’ve been Tweeting me – keep ‘em coming and I’ll pick the best one each week.

This week’s post was defiantly brought to you by the illustrious, the elusive, and the pertly-bottomed Abs…

Dear The Unfriendly Atheist,
What do atheists scream during an orgasm?
Regards,
Abs

Dearest Abs,
This is indeed an important subject that must be approached delicately, and with great aplomb (and hopefully a bit of fun). Firstly, I’d like to point out that there are many different kinds of orgasm. I’m sure a delightful fornicator like yourself needs no clarification, but it’s worth knowing just in case you’re more of the “violent screaming” kind – though I wouldn’t presume to assert such things! One must think carefully about the kinds of words used when you fraternise with a lover.

For example, if you are deflowering a young specimen, you may wish to use more sensitive language to begin with in order to let your lust evolve slowly; whereas if you are experimenting with a seasoned professional, it may be entirely appropriate to lay into the big kahunas like a hefty steamroller with extra juice. Extra love juice, that is.

In the past, when people had ethics, and they thought God was everywhere (even in your bum-hole), people used to shout something along the lines of “God, oh God!”, however, in these enlightened times, religious affirmation just has no place in the bedroom.

I’ve put together a selection of alternatives, which I hope you will find useful:

“The Milkybars are on me!”
“That’s Numberwang!”
“They think it’s all over…” (And then they reply) “It is now!”
 “What a prick!”
“Thunderbirds are go!” [I actually prefer this during pre-rutting/foreplay but I am told it is effective post-violation as well]
As you may have noticed, these are all catchy slogans from British television shows. My own research has shown that these are vastly more effective than the usual, and quite frankly, crass curse-words. If you are not familiar with British slogans, I pity you. There is a wonderful invention that any lay person can access online called “YouTube”, I firmly suggest you utilise it.

I do hope you find these useful, and perhaps you could come up with some of your own…?

With fond regards,

The Un-friendly Atheist