Hello and welcome to another edition of me preaching the controversy!
Last week, we discussed my absolute favourite method for asking out your true love. How did it go? If it went well, you’re probably reading this on some train from fuck-knows-where, having had very little sleep the night before – you saucy minx you If it didn’t go well, you might be heartbroken, despondent, and generally down in the dumps. But fear not you pretty little specimen of humanity! Help is at hand…
Unfortunately for you, I don’t know what it’s like to be rejected, as I am so absolutely wonderful that you’d have to be a complete moron to not love my awesomeness. And as we would all love to know, morons don’t exist. And if morons don’t exist, then technically, I’ve never been rejected. Trust the logic.
If you were rejected, it’s likely that one of a few “lines” were used on you, to let you down easily. Providing you’re not too suicidal, I’d like to go through some of those lines and explain what they mean, and how you can react:
1) “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Haha! Doesn’t it just cut you? I love this line, because everyone knows it’s you. You’re the one who’s unlovable, unattractive, and downright un-fun. You’re the one who’s been following the actions of this glorious human being on Facebook, liking all their status updates, googling strange names and places you’ve never heard of, and casually dropping hints into conversations that imply you know more than you’re letting on. You’re the one who’s been google-stalking their entire family background for pity’s sake. You’re the wrong’un ‘ere matey. People like you should just die horribly!
But let’s put that to one side for a moment, because what they actually said is “it’s NOT you”. They’re expecting you to get upset, which is ok because they clearly said “it’s NOT you”. So if you get upset, it’s your own fault for assuming the generally agreed meaning of the phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me”. They win… or DO THEY?
I propose that the next time someone says this to you, you respond with one of the following:
- “Well, best of luck with that.”
- “Oh it’s you? Gosh, I hope you’re ok. Perhaps you should sit down?”
- “Yeah I wasn’t sure, but now that you’ve pointed it out, it makes a lot of sense.”
2) “You’re just too nice for me.”
I LOVE this line. It’s a totally clever way of saying “You slightly repulse me”.
Are you polite? Sensitive? Reasonably well dressed? Are you a decent human being? Well tough titty. You’re also not fanciable by this person you so adore. Any good quality you have can be turned against you like a balloon filled with poorly refridgerated milk. “But I can be mean!” I hear you whine. Yeah, I bet you can. But that’s not why they’re not attracted to you. Perhaps you’re fugly, maybe you’re a bit boring? Who knows – the point is, they’re just not that into you. And there’s nothing you can do about it, because being a bastard won’t help. (Although being a bastard is always fun.)
Try these out:
- “Euw! I can’t believe you just said that.”
- “Too nice for YOU? Do you think [insert name of local slut] would go for me?”
- “Well I suppose that is quite plausible. It’s your round by the way.”
3) “I really don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
There’s no going back now, it’s already out there. You’ve said it, you have literally just killed the friendship. How do you feel? What’s it like knowing that the precious little time you spent with this amazing person is now finished? All because you wanted to get your leg over. You utter wanker.
Yeah, you could try and backtrack, start all over etc. But they’re not stupid. They know what you’re up to, you’re just gonna stay friends with them and hope that one day they get drunk enough to let their guard down and then BAM! They punch you in the face for being such a prick. Epic lolz for the rest of us though :-)
4) “That’s really sweet but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.”
This is especially nasty when said at a speed dating evening or some other situation in which you are all looking for a relationship.
Translation: “I’m just not looking for a relationship with you, ever” (see point 2). What are they doing then? Why have they been hanging out with you all this time? I bet they weren’t even laughing at all those quips and flirtatious banter you put so much effort into preparing. And sweet? Patronising fucker. Who the hell do you think are? Sweet. Honestly. What were you expecting?
You want my advice? (One can only assume, as you’re still reading):
- Shower and change your clothes daily (this is especially true of underwear).
- Don’t accuse them of giving you misleading signals. Seriously. Even if it’s blatantly obvious.
- Don’t put it up on Facebook.
- It’s not the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, then soon enough it won’t matter.
Peace out x
1) Please do not die horribly, or even contemplate it. I need you to visit my blog to make my stats nice and pretty.
2) If you’re really struggling with heartache, or anything related to it, please visit Relate. They know more than I do.