Archive for December, 2009

What Women Want: The Pill

Posted: December 16, 2009 in 10:23, fail, Homeopathy

Tired of trying to figure out what women want? Fear no more for I’ve invented a pill. Here’s how I did it…

First, I took the essence of a natural selection of things women hate (P):
Skid marks
Football-related depression
Overuse of the word “cunt”
A lack of shoes in the correct size
Skinny 19 year old goth girls
Petrol-station flowers
Light rain

Next I purchased enough natural Volvic mineral water (M) to fill my local swimming pool thirty times. I chose Purley Swimming Pool and Recreation Centre, because children piss in it, and women hate that too. Then I filled the swimming pool up with one part P to 99 parts M. Then I continued to dilute this formula until I ended up with literally none of P left in the solution (PMS). Now, logic-deniers among you might think that because PMS contains none of the original ingredients, it would be ineffective. But you would be WRONG because I remember doing it, and water has a memory. It’s literally like quantum physics, only without all that unnecessary bumf. Like quantum theory. And physics.

Finally, using an eco-friendly, naturally quantifiable pipette, I put a drop of PMS onto some Jelly Belly Jelly Beans (Tutti Frutti) and voila!

Each bag of 100 PMS pills will set you back £299.99 plus VAT (get in there before Jan 1st to take advantage of UK current VAT rate of just 15%!)

The pills can be taken orally, but for maximum effect, just stare at them, and you will naturally absorb this potent synthesised PMS, naturally.

*In case of overdose, please consult your doctor. Not suitable for diabetics. Always read the label. But you should be fine because it’s a natural remedy.

10:23

Trafigura Stinks!

Posted: December 14, 2009 in Uncategorized

This is the BBC news report that Carter-Ruck tried to suppress. Enjoy:

A full statement’s on our website.” Umm… not any more apparently.

Many thanks to Richard!

Climate Reckoning

Posted: December 14, 2009 in climate, Ranting

I will blog properly on this at some point, currently at work, playing with my phone, not catching up on my filing:

Climate change isn’t something I’m too hot on. I can google the difference between climate and weather, and I’ve been casually following news stories of leaked emails, and reading a few Monbiot articles (after feeling slightly guilty of jokingly accusing him of having bad breath). I pretty much reckon it’s probably something we’re causing. There’s a lot of alleged evidence to that effect. Polar bears are dying, ice caps melting, British coastline eroding, ffs – there was a ladybird in my room yesterday. A ladybird. In December.

Every so often we get a few nutters jumping up and down when a piece of research concludes, in one tiny area, that it might not be humans causing it. Does that really matter?

Surely, as an intelligent, sophisticated species, we can pull together to do something about our… y’know… home planet, regardless? We see daily reports of coral reefs disappearing and hippo populations declining. Even if it’s not our fault, why shouldn’t we do something about it? Skewing the debate by focusing on something irrelevant is something your girlfriend’s supposed to do, not the people influencing public opinion.

In, say 80 years time when I’m dead and my ashes scattered into space, I want my grandchildren to know what a penguin is, not from some book or YouTube download of Batman Returns, but from actually seeing one. Christ, how scary would it be if, in 80 years time, kids grow up thinking penguins were remote controlled?

Homeopathy WTF

Posted: December 13, 2009 in 10:23, fail, Homeopathy, Uncategorized

Hello again! My life has apparently given me the breathing space to knock this quick blog post together to satisfy you, my clever skeptical inordinately attractive and wonderful readers ;-)

Homeopathy wtf, right? What is it? Why do people care about it? Why does it work? (Oi! No laughing at the back, a lot of people reckon it works, even though there’s no actual evidence to demonstrate that it works, but it works ok? Even though… there’s no…. does it even work?)

So first: What is it? Wikipedia, that bastion of eternal knowledge, says:

“Dilution often continues until none of the original substance remains.”

Oh.

Wolf-like in appearance and temerity (but with far superior table manners), Crispian demonstrated this using that oh-so-modern media: video. Do check it out, it’s marvellous. Even I was cringing at the end.

Hold on then, have I got this right? You take a drop of something that causes an affliction (so, lets say coffee causes you to stay awake, therefore if you wanted to go to sleep it’d be great as a cure for… what?)… then you dilute that in 100 drops of water. Then you do that again and again and again… until you’ve got to thirty. Wouldn’t there be none of the original substance left? Is it kind of like the science of the bible, where we can’t judge it by modern “enlightened” standards like reason and scientific method because people might get upset?

Now, I’m no physicist, but I am a lover of Ribena. Cold Ribena should be diluted one parts yummy sugary goodness to five parts water. Hot Ribena must be diluted one parts prrrrr to four parts water, because scientifically, when you’re feeling down, you need more Ribena in your water.

If someone was to tell me that I could only have one drop of Ribena in a pint glass, I’d be very upset. I might hit them. Who are they to dictate how much Ribena I’m allowed? Is that the point? The less Ribena involved, the more miserable you get? If it was reduced to one molecule of Ribena in a pool of pure water the size of the Pacific Ocean and I had to drink a glass of it, I’d be pretty pissed off. Hmmm… ask a homeopath. Is 30C Ribena a cure for happiness?

Why do people care about it and why does it work?According to some guy called Kent Wood, who has no decent google links to anything useful, other than the delectable Martin Robbins’ website, 10% of the UK population has sought homeopathic remedies, therefore they should be taken seriously. Erm… anyone else spot a problem here? Approximately 12% of the UK population (under 9′s) believe in Santa… that doesn’t mean he should be taken seriously. All “ho ho ho” and shit. That’s not even a proper phrase unless you’re in Tiger Tiger on a Friday night. Plus, I’m still waiting for my pony. The bastard.

In one of my earliest posts back when I was a mere enthusiastic whippersnapper (in May of this year) I looked at a couple of studies examining reasons for people to take up alternative medicine. Specifically, I was interested in women, as I was slightly taken aback by a comment that Edzard Ernst had made about “Four F’s” but the reasons seem pretty straightforward. People either use alternative medicines in addition to actual medicine, or they use it as a last resort.

Recently, at a dinner party, I got into a discussion with a woman for whom homeopathy works. She gets eczema and uses a homeopathic remedy (I forget which one) and her eczema is fine. I asked her if she used any specific moisturisers and she said “Oh yes, of course. I use E45“. Face, meet palm.

So basically, essentially, what this all waters down to is that homeopathy only works when it is used in conjuction with something that has been scientifically proven to work. But doesn’t work on its own, because there’s literally nothing in it.

Is it ethical for Boots to be selling medicines that don’t work to people who are ill?

Edit: Remember this?

10:23