Bollocks!

Thanks to Mark (@vbloke on Twitter) for the link to this image.

Good morning all,

Today, I was very pleased to discover that The Rapture never happened (cached copy of the official website here). My family, all devout Christians remained bound by the laws of gravity, and according to The Guardian, there is about an average level of misery and destruction in the world. Nothing that would suggest to me that the world will end on October 21st – which is nice, as that’s my dad’s birthday and I have a few ideas of what to get him already.

Yesterday I spent a pleasant afternoon with friends, showing off my new piercing. 6pm happened (the supposed Judgment time) and you will have to take my word for it that I have never seen a bluer, more pleasant May sky in London, completely devoid of people floating up towards the heavens. We atheists and agnostics and those of faith not dogma can sit smug that we knew it wouldn’t happen, it was all a lot of fuss over nothing.

It is now deeply tragic, then, to hear and read about people who genuinely feared the end of the world and hurt themselves and others because of it. Harold Camping is a dick. I bet the vast majority of the people in the world who’ve heard of him will probably agree that he’s a dick. He’s a cretin who should never have been given airtime and publicity. He’s a moron who should have been dismissed by everyone from individuals right up to the major news outlets who chose to air his idiotic views in prime time news slots.

All of us talk bollocks sometimes (some more than others *cough cough*) but major news outlets don’t take most of us seriously, and don’t even put most of us onscreen to have a giggle at our expense, though anyone watching The Apprentice might disagree. It’s fine to dismiss arseholes for what they are, but don’t rest the blame for the horrific actions of the individuals above solely on Camping. We should have never given him the time of day, and those unfortunate people PZ Myers refers to should have been under some kind of program of professional help before it got to the point where they could do serious harm.

As a former Christian, I can say with confidence that the first thing you do when you’re scared about something with a religious tangent to it (ie Judgment Day) is to speak to a priest or religious older person. A responsible priest will assure you that either it won’t happen (because the Bible is too perfect a document to be understood by mere humans apparently) or that you’ll be ok if it does happen because you’re a good Christian/person etc. They will also alert the authorities if they get the impression that you will do something to harm yourself or others. Believe it or not, some priests are good people.

To blame Harold Camping for these atrocities is to ignore the many hours of free publicity he was given by journalists and TV producers who should know better.

Here’s some Blondie to lighten the mood. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Sins of Eve

I’m back! Thank you for all your suggestions for blog posts. Truth be told, most of them were crap. You can do much better, I’m sure of it. Send all queries to @UnfriendlyA on Twitter from now on, as my previous PA is a bit shagged out

In Genesis 2:17 (King James version), God makes it very clear that if anyone were to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they will surely die. Not probably, but surely:

2:17
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

What purpose would it serve to threaten an uneducated, otherwise innocent person with death for the consumption of one particular type  of fruit, whilst the rest remained fit for human consumption? Were the apples poisonous? In which case, why put them there? Why put the tree there in plain view of two people who would have otherwise been quite happy with mangoes, pineapples, raspberries, kiwi fruits, bananas, lychees, pears, oranges, plum tomatoes etc had the devil not happened to be passing?

Why call it “The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil” in the first place? Surely “God’s Apples: Hands Off” would have been sufficient? And if this fruit was out of bounds, why put the tree in the centre of the place you have built for these little naked humans? If I’ve learnt one thing from moving out of home into shared accomodation, it’s that anything you leave in shared areas is fair game for the rest of the house mates, with the possible exception of my toothbrush (I hope).

I can’t help but wonder that if the woman hadn’t been denied access to this sensitive, classified information – Knowledge of Good and Evil – would she have bothered eating it? If she had been taught the difference between right and wrong, and was granted some kind of context in order to be able to choose freely, would she have chosen:

3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Subservience to a husband?

3:17
And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

An ongoing sense of guilt?

3:18
Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

Stinging nettles?

3:19
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Decomposition of your lifeless corpse?

What kind of great, amazing god wouldn’t have seen this coming? I’ve heard so often how God has a plan, which we are too puny to understand. This plan’s been in the making for some time now according to the Bible, at least since the Babylonians have been styling their hair and performing complicated mathematical tasks for fun. Why didn’t he bother to draw up a plan of the world before making it and think “Oh me, I’d better move that bloody Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil before I end making more work for myself by systematically killing African babies for no good reason in 6000 years time from the fatal misinformation that my appointed representative on earth is spewing out at an unfathomable rate”?

I’ll tell you why: Whoever wrote this book, had no clue about narrative. The plot holes in this story are bigger than Jordans vayjayjay. My creative writing class teacher would laugh me out of the building for something like this. It’s the sort of story that the Farrely brothers would write, except they’d make it into a comedy in which God is the bumbling idiot. That so many have been raped, tortured, beaten, stoned, and murdered in its name is the real original sin.

In my interpretation of the events of this story, it doesn’t matter that the woman didn’t know any better, because she went and found out. Remember, God told her that she’d die if she ate the forbidden fruit. Yeah, in the long run, maybe, but not immediately. God was sort of ambiguous there. That’s one of the funny things about God, he never really says anything of use, sort of like a Tory politician. The devil, therefore, was right. They ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and took their first steps into skepticism.

Screaming Orgasm

Good afternoon you wonderful and slightly above average people!

I shall endeavour to post once a week here, I’ve already received plenty of questions, thank you to all those who’ve been Tweeting me – keep ‘em coming and I’ll pick the best one each week.

This week’s post was defiantly brought to you by the illustrious, the elusive, and the pertly-bottomed Abs…

Dear The Unfriendly Atheist,
What do atheists scream during an orgasm?
Regards,
Abs

Dearest Abs,
This is indeed an important subject that must be approached delicately, and with great aplomb (and hopefully a bit of fun). Firstly, I’d like to point out that there are many different kinds of orgasm. I’m sure a delightful fornicator like yourself needs no clarification, but it’s worth knowing just in case you’re more of the “violent screaming” kind – though I wouldn’t presume to assert such things! One must think carefully about the kinds of words used when you fraternise with a lover.

For example, if you are deflowering a young specimen, you may wish to use more sensitive language to begin with in order to let your lust evolve slowly; whereas if you are experimenting with a seasoned professional, it may be entirely appropriate to lay into the big kahunas like a hefty steamroller with extra juice. Extra love juice, that is.

In the past, when people had ethics, and they thought God was everywhere (even in your bum-hole), people used to shout something along the lines of “God, oh God!”, however, in these enlightened times, religious affirmation just has no place in the bedroom.

I’ve put together a selection of alternatives, which I hope you will find useful:

“The Milkybars are on me!”
“That’s Numberwang!”
“They think it’s all over…” (And then they reply) “It is now!”
 “What a prick!”
“Thunderbirds are go!” [I actually prefer this during pre-rutting/foreplay but I am told it is effective post-violation as well]
As you may have noticed, these are all catchy slogans from British television shows. My own research has shown that these are vastly more effective than the usual, and quite frankly, crass curse-words. If you are not familiar with British slogans, I pity you. There is a wonderful invention that any lay person can access online called “YouTube”, I firmly suggest you utilise it.

I do hope you find these useful, and perhaps you could come up with some of your own…?

With fond regards,

The Un-friendly Atheist

The Un-Friendly Atheist

 

Dear lovely and above average attractive readers,

Sorry I haven’t been blogging recently, have been crazy busy with committing sinister and evil acts without any care for the eternal consequences. Hopefully I will resume normal blogging frequency in the next few weeks but until then, I thought I’d share a ranty response to stuff I read on the internet this morning:

It regards an article written by Ariane Sherine in today’s Guardian, which is a response to an article someone else wrote the other day. They both got me thinking about what it means to me to be an atheist. People may wonder where I get my sense of morality from. The truth is, I haven’t one. No atheists do. If we did, we wouldn’t be atheists.

Whilst musing on my day’s progress using the vile medium we have come to know as Twitter, I was asked for some serious advice from fellow atheists who are struggling to come to terms with their chosen path in a world full of goodness. I’ll do my best to answer these queries somewhere between 140 and 3 million characters:

“I am torn between drowning a bunch of kittens and torturing some toddlers this afternoon. Your thoughts?” – @madgestar

Dear @madgestar,

This is a toughie. It reminds me of a time I once had to decide between cutting an ex-boyfriend’s testicles or penis off. Certainly, I wanted to leave him scarred, but there’s always the possibility I may have wanted to fornicate with him at some point in the future. One never knows what fresh opportunities for evil tomorrow will hold, so it is always wise to keep your options open.

Some people may prefer to savour the pleasure of being evil by prolonging the time between wrongdoings. They might suggest drowning the kittens today and boasting about it tomorrow. The torturing of toddlers can take weeks, even months. In the case of my mother’s sense of humour, it has never stopped! This is a practical idea for many, and it would certainly be an admirable choice if misdemeanours are few and far between in your neck of the woods.

Living in London, I often do not have the time to boast about the amount of evil I do, as there is just so much going on here! My advice to you is to think of a way to achieve both goals at the same time – how about placing the toddlers and kittens carefully in a sack… with a mongoose? Once you are satisfied that enough is enough, you can throw the contents of the sack into a nearby lake or river, thus drowning any remaining life. Hell, why not try and kill two passing birds with one stone wile you wait for the air to drain from their tiny, tiny lungs?

I do hope this helps.

Kind regards,

Carmen, the un-friendly atheist.

I will be blogging on David Aaronovitch (not Darren Aaronofsky) at some point. He was a pretty good speaker the other day at Skeptics in the Pub. Not as fat as his profile photo suggests. For now, have a ganders at Dave Cole’s blog. He pretty much sums it all up, not forgetting to include a comment I made about the parallels between anti-Semitism of the early 20th century and anti-Islam in the late 20th Century/early 21st. I’ll talk about this when I have the time, rest assured I have extensive notes on the matter

A bit of light atheism

Good afternoon dear readers,
Today’s blog has been inspired by Dangerous Talk – ways to combat anti-atheists (because not all theists are anti-atheists).

For example, it is not unusual to hear an argument that without God there can be no morality[1] or purpose in life[2] and that Stalin and Hitler were both atheists[3]. And how can an atheist explain how the universe was formed, the perfect design of the Earth, and the laws of nature[4]?

Naturally, I thought I’d offer up some helpful (?) hints in response, as I get asked this sort of thing fairly regularly.

1. My sense of morality is kind of instinctive. I don’t have the urge to put babies on spikes, or speak ill of my lovely mum. I do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not because a book told me that’s how I should behave.
2. My purpose in life is as yet undiscovered. I find it quite odd that a higher being should be allowed to control the purpose of my life, because I believe we choose our own paths, we make our own mistakes, and we suffer or reap the consequences in this life by measure of the joy we bring to those we love (and vice versa)
3. Father Ian (kiddie fiddler extraordinaire in Croydon) was a Catholic priest (perhaps he still is, there were rumours he was transferred to a different diocese). Here’s another one, and another, oh look…. another. Isn’t… that… odd…? So many deeply religious people, so… few… morals.
4. The Big Bang, evolution, y’know… like… err… evidence?

It can be pretty smug being an atheist. Perhaps, when my time comes and I die, and holy cow there really are big fuck-off pearly gates up there, I’ll change my mind. But until that time comes, I am going to continue preaching that all people are equal, that woo is bad for public health, and that Simon Singh is a very lovely man.

I don’t know who said it, but it’s stayed with me for quite some time and it’s quite a happy note to end on:

Just be good for goodness’ sake!