Sins of Eve

I’m back! Thank you for all your suggestions for blog posts. Truth be told, most of them were crap. You can do much better, I’m sure of it. Send all queries to @UnfriendlyA on Twitter from now on, as my previous PA is a bit shagged out

In Genesis 2:17 (King James version), God makes it very clear that if anyone were to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they will surely die. Not probably, but surely:

2:17
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

What purpose would it serve to threaten an uneducated, otherwise innocent person with death for the consumption of one particular type  of fruit, whilst the rest remained fit for human consumption? Were the apples poisonous? In which case, why put them there? Why put the tree there in plain view of two people who would have otherwise been quite happy with mangoes, pineapples, raspberries, kiwi fruits, bananas, lychees, pears, oranges, plum tomatoes etc had the devil not happened to be passing?

Why call it “The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil” in the first place? Surely “God’s Apples: Hands Off” would have been sufficient? And if this fruit was out of bounds, why put the tree in the centre of the place you have built for these little naked humans? If I’ve learnt one thing from moving out of home into shared accomodation, it’s that anything you leave in shared areas is fair game for the rest of the house mates, with the possible exception of my toothbrush (I hope).

I can’t help but wonder that if the woman hadn’t been denied access to this sensitive, classified information – Knowledge of Good and Evil – would she have bothered eating it? If she had been taught the difference between right and wrong, and was granted some kind of context in order to be able to choose freely, would she have chosen:

3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Subservience to a husband?

3:17
And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

An ongoing sense of guilt?

3:18
Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

Stinging nettles?

3:19
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Decomposition of your lifeless corpse?

What kind of great, amazing god wouldn’t have seen this coming? I’ve heard so often how God has a plan, which we are too puny to understand. This plan’s been in the making for some time now according to the Bible, at least since the Babylonians have been styling their hair and performing complicated mathematical tasks for fun. Why didn’t he bother to draw up a plan of the world before making it and think “Oh me, I’d better move that bloody Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil before I end making more work for myself by systematically killing African babies for no good reason in 6000 years time from the fatal misinformation that my appointed representative on earth is spewing out at an unfathomable rate”?

I’ll tell you why: Whoever wrote this book, had no clue about narrative. The plot holes in this story are bigger than Jordans vayjayjay. My creative writing class teacher would laugh me out of the building for something like this. It’s the sort of story that the Farrely brothers would write, except they’d make it into a comedy in which God is the bumbling idiot. That so many have been raped, tortured, beaten, stoned, and murdered in its name is the real original sin.

In my interpretation of the events of this story, it doesn’t matter that the woman didn’t know any better, because she went and found out. Remember, God told her that she’d die if she ate the forbidden fruit. Yeah, in the long run, maybe, but not immediately. God was sort of ambiguous there. That’s one of the funny things about God, he never really says anything of use, sort of like a Tory politician. The devil, therefore, was right. They ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and took their first steps into skepticism.

What Women Want: The Pill

Tired of trying to figure out what women want? Fear no more for I’ve invented a pill. Here’s how I did it…

First, I took the essence of a natural selection of things women hate (P):
Skid marks
Football-related depression
Overuse of the word “cunt”
A lack of shoes in the correct size
Skinny 19 year old goth girls
Petrol-station flowers
Light rain

Next I purchased enough natural Volvic mineral water (M) to fill my local swimming pool thirty times. I chose Purley Swimming Pool and Recreation Centre, because children piss in it, and women hate that too. Then I filled the swimming pool up with one part P to 99 parts M. Then I continued to dilute this formula until I ended up with literally none of P left in the solution (PMS). Now, logic-deniers among you might think that because PMS contains none of the original ingredients, it would be ineffective. But you would be WRONG because I remember doing it, and water has a memory. It’s literally like quantum physics, only without all that unnecessary bumf. Like quantum theory. And physics.

Finally, using an eco-friendly, naturally quantifiable pipette, I put a drop of PMS onto some Jelly Belly Jelly Beans (Tutti Frutti) and voila!

Each bag of 100 PMS pills will set you back £299.99 plus VAT (get in there before Jan 1st to take advantage of UK current VAT rate of just 15%!)

The pills can be taken orally, but for maximum effect, just stare at them, and you will naturally absorb this potent synthesised PMS, naturally.

*In case of overdose, please consult your doctor. Not suitable for diabetics. Always read the label. But you should be fine because it’s a natural remedy.

10:23

Homeopathy WTF

Hello again! My life has apparently given me the breathing space to knock this quick blog post together to satisfy you, my clever skeptical inordinately attractive and wonderful readers

Homeopathy wtf, right? What is it? Why do people care about it? Why does it work? (Oi! No laughing at the back, a lot of people reckon it works, even though there’s no actual evidence to demonstrate that it works, but it works ok? Even though… there’s no…. does it even work?)

So first: What is it? Wikipedia, that bastion of eternal knowledge, says:

“Dilution often continues until none of the original substance remains.”

Oh.

Wolf-like in appearance and temerity (but with far superior table manners), Crispian demonstrated this using that oh-so-modern media: video. Do check it out, it’s marvellous. Even I was cringing at the end.

Hold on then, have I got this right? You take a drop of something that causes an affliction (so, lets say coffee causes you to stay awake, therefore if you wanted to go to sleep it’d be great as a cure for… what?)… then you dilute that in 100 drops of water. Then you do that again and again and again… until you’ve got to thirty. Wouldn’t there be none of the original substance left? Is it kind of like the science of the bible, where we can’t judge it by modern “enlightened” standards like reason and scientific method because people might get upset?

Now, I’m no physicist, but I am a lover of Ribena. Cold Ribena should be diluted one parts yummy sugary goodness to five parts water. Hot Ribena must be diluted one parts prrrrr to four parts water, because scientifically, when you’re feeling down, you need more Ribena in your water.

If someone was to tell me that I could only have one drop of Ribena in a pint glass, I’d be very upset. I might hit them. Who are they to dictate how much Ribena I’m allowed? Is that the point? The less Ribena involved, the more miserable you get? If it was reduced to one molecule of Ribena in a pool of pure water the size of the Pacific Ocean and I had to drink a glass of it, I’d be pretty pissed off. Hmmm… ask a homeopath. Is 30C Ribena a cure for happiness?

Why do people care about it and why does it work?According to some guy called Kent Wood, who has no decent google links to anything useful, other than the delectable Martin Robbins’ website, 10% of the UK population has sought homeopathic remedies, therefore they should be taken seriously. Erm… anyone else spot a problem here? Approximately 12% of the UK population (under 9′s) believe in Santa… that doesn’t mean he should be taken seriously. All “ho ho ho” and shit. That’s not even a proper phrase unless you’re in Tiger Tiger on a Friday night. Plus, I’m still waiting for my pony. The bastard.

In one of my earliest posts back when I was a mere enthusiastic whippersnapper (in May of this year) I looked at a couple of studies examining reasons for people to take up alternative medicine. Specifically, I was interested in women, as I was slightly taken aback by a comment that Edzard Ernst had made about “Four F’s” but the reasons seem pretty straightforward. People either use alternative medicines in addition to actual medicine, or they use it as a last resort.

Recently, at a dinner party, I got into a discussion with a woman for whom homeopathy works. She gets eczema and uses a homeopathic remedy (I forget which one) and her eczema is fine. I asked her if she used any specific moisturisers and she said “Oh yes, of course. I use E45“. Face, meet palm.

So basically, essentially, what this all waters down to is that homeopathy only works when it is used in conjuction with something that has been scientifically proven to work. But doesn’t work on its own, because there’s literally nothing in it.

Is it ethical for Boots to be selling medicines that don’t work to people who are ill?

Edit: Remember this?

10:23