Unfriendly Atheist at it again

“Was the elephant man descended from monkeys?”
-Literally in Leicester

“Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind’s the standard of the man.”

For those who don’t know, The Elephant Man, also known as Joseph Merrick (often wrongly called “John Merrick”) was a Victorian sideshow performer, infamous for his looks, but sadly not his charm.

There is still some speculation as to what he was afflicted with. Initially, it was thought to be Neurofibromatosis type 1, later studies suggested Proteus syndrome, although more recent DNA testing throws this theory into doubt. Other theories have suggested he may have been the love-child of Bono and Barbra Streisand, or that his existence itself can be attributed to something Big Al made up, and nobody ever dared to question him.

Whatever his uncommon affliction, it would not be uncommon in modern times to refer to him as having “a great personality”. By all accounts, this would appear to be the case. According to the oraculous Wikipedia, he enjoyed poetry and flower collecting, both rather fine hobbies, I think you’ll agree.

As far as current technology allows, Joseph Merrick Jr’s ancestors were all of the homosapien variety as far back as 1792. In answer to your question, “Literally in Leicester”, no.

It would appear that The Elephant Man is not descended from cercopithecoids (Old World monkey) or platyrrhines (New World monkey) but, like most humans, he is descended from apes.

Unfriendy Atheist at it again

The Unfriendly Atheist

“Was the elephant man descended from monkeys?”
-Literally in Leicester

“Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind’s the standard of the man.”

For those who don’t know, The Elephant Man, also known as Joseph Merrick (often wrongly called “John Merrick”) was a Victorian sideshow performer, infamous for his looks, but sadly not his charm. 

There is still some speculation as to what he was afflicted with. Initially, it was thought to be Neurofibromatosis type 1, later studies suggested Proteus syndrome, although more recent DNA testing throws this theory into doubt. Other theories have suggested he may have been the love-child of Bono and Barbra Streisand, or that his existence itself can be attributed to something Big Al made up, and nobody ever dared to question him.

Whatever his uncommon affliction, it would not be uncommon in modern times to refer to him as having “a great personality”. By all accounts, this would appear to be the case. According to the oraculous Wikipedia, he enjoyed poetry and flower collecting, both rather fine hobbies, I think you’ll agree.

As far as current technology allows, Joseph Merrick Jr’s ancestors were all of the homosapien variety as far back as 1792. In answer to your question, “Literally in Leicester”, no.

It would appear that The Elephant Man is not descended from cercopithecoids (Old World monkey) or platyrrhines (New World monkey) but, like most humans, he is descended from apes.

What Women Want: The Pill

Tired of trying to figure out what women want? Fear no more for I’ve invented a pill. Here’s how I did it…

First, I took the essence of a natural selection of things women hate (P):
Skid marks
Football-related depression
Overuse of the word “cunt”
A lack of shoes in the correct size
Skinny 19 year old goth girls
Petrol-station flowers
Light rain

Next I purchased enough natural Volvic mineral water (M) to fill my local swimming pool thirty times. I chose Purley Swimming Pool and Recreation Centre, because children piss in it, and women hate that too. Then I filled the swimming pool up with one part P to 99 parts M. Then I continued to dilute this formula until I ended up with literally none of P left in the solution (PMS). Now, logic-deniers among you might think that because PMS contains none of the original ingredients, it would be ineffective. But you would be WRONG because I remember doing it, and water has a memory. It’s literally like quantum physics, only without all that unnecessary bumf. Like quantum theory. And physics.

Finally, using an eco-friendly, naturally quantifiable pipette, I put a drop of PMS onto some Jelly Belly Jelly Beans (Tutti Frutti) and voila!

Each bag of 100 PMS pills will set you back £299.99 plus VAT (get in there before Jan 1st to take advantage of UK current VAT rate of just 15%!)

The pills can be taken orally, but for maximum effect, just stare at them, and you will naturally absorb this potent synthesised PMS, naturally.

*In case of overdose, please consult your doctor. Not suitable for diabetics. Always read the label. But you should be fine because it’s a natural remedy.

10:23

Trafigura Stinks!

This is the BBC news report that Carter-Ruck tried to suppress. Enjoy:

“A full statement’s on our website.” Umm… not any more apparently.

Many thanks to Richard!

Climate Reckoning

I will blog properly on this at some point, currently at work, playing with my phone, not catching up on my filing:

Climate change isn’t something I’m too hot on. I can google the difference between climate and weather, and I’ve been casually following news stories of leaked emails, and reading a few Monbiot articles (after feeling slightly guilty of jokingly accusing him of having bad breath). I pretty much reckon it’s probably something we’re causing. There’s a lot of alleged evidence to that effect. Polar bears are dying, ice caps melting, British coastline eroding, ffs – there was a ladybird in my room yesterday. A ladybird. In December.

Every so often we get a few nutters jumping up and down when a piece of research concludes, in one tiny area, that it might not be humans causing it. Does that really matter?

Surely, as an intelligent, sophisticated species, we can pull together to do something about our… y’know… home planet, regardless? We see daily reports of coral reefs disappearing and hippo populations declining. Even if it’s not our fault, why shouldn’t we do something about it? Skewing the debate by focusing on something irrelevant is something your girlfriend’s supposed to do, not the people influencing public opinion.

In, say 80 years time when I’m dead and my ashes scattered into space, I want my grandchildren to know what a penguin is, not from some book or YouTube download of Batman Returns, but from actually seeing one. Christ, how scary would it be if, in 80 years time, kids grow up thinking penguins were remote controlled?

Homeopathy WTF

Hello again! My life has apparently given me the breathing space to knock this quick blog post together to satisfy you, my clever skeptical inordinately attractive and wonderful readers

Homeopathy wtf, right? What is it? Why do people care about it? Why does it work? (Oi! No laughing at the back, a lot of people reckon it works, even though there’s no actual evidence to demonstrate that it works, but it works ok? Even though… there’s no…. does it even work?)

So first: What is it? Wikipedia, that bastion of eternal knowledge, says:

“Dilution often continues until none of the original substance remains.”

Oh.

Wolf-like in appearance and temerity (but with far superior table manners), Crispian demonstrated this using that oh-so-modern media: video. Do check it out, it’s marvellous. Even I was cringing at the end.

Hold on then, have I got this right? You take a drop of something that causes an affliction (so, lets say coffee causes you to stay awake, therefore if you wanted to go to sleep it’d be great as a cure for… what?)… then you dilute that in 100 drops of water. Then you do that again and again and again… until you’ve got to thirty. Wouldn’t there be none of the original substance left? Is it kind of like the science of the bible, where we can’t judge it by modern “enlightened” standards like reason and scientific method because people might get upset?

Now, I’m no physicist, but I am a lover of Ribena. Cold Ribena should be diluted one parts yummy sugary goodness to five parts water. Hot Ribena must be diluted one parts prrrrr to four parts water, because scientifically, when you’re feeling down, you need more Ribena in your water.

If someone was to tell me that I could only have one drop of Ribena in a pint glass, I’d be very upset. I might hit them. Who are they to dictate how much Ribena I’m allowed? Is that the point? The less Ribena involved, the more miserable you get? If it was reduced to one molecule of Ribena in a pool of pure water the size of the Pacific Ocean and I had to drink a glass of it, I’d be pretty pissed off. Hmmm… ask a homeopath. Is 30C Ribena a cure for happiness?

Why do people care about it and why does it work?According to some guy called Kent Wood, who has no decent google links to anything useful, other than the delectable Martin Robbins’ website, 10% of the UK population has sought homeopathic remedies, therefore they should be taken seriously. Erm… anyone else spot a problem here? Approximately 12% of the UK population (under 9’s) believe in Santa… that doesn’t mean he should be taken seriously. All “ho ho ho” and shit. That’s not even a proper phrase unless you’re in Tiger Tiger on a Friday night. Plus, I’m still waiting for my pony. The bastard.

In one of my earliest posts back when I was a mere enthusiastic whippersnapper (in May of this year) I looked at a couple of studies examining reasons for people to take up alternative medicine. Specifically, I was interested in women, as I was slightly taken aback by a comment that Edzard Ernst had made about “Four F’s” but the reasons seem pretty straightforward. People either use alternative medicines in addition to actual medicine, or they use it as a last resort.

Recently, at a dinner party, I got into a discussion with a woman for whom homeopathy works. She gets eczema and uses a homeopathic remedy (I forget which one) and her eczema is fine. I asked her if she used any specific moisturisers and she said “Oh yes, of course. I use E45“. Face, meet palm.

So basically, essentially, what this all waters down to is that homeopathy only works when it is used in conjuction with something that has been scientifically proven to work. But doesn’t work on its own, because there’s literally nothing in it.

Is it ethical for Boots to be selling medicines that don’t work to people who are ill?

Edit: Remember this?

10:23

Slightly more sensible way to handle rejection…

Deconstruction Of Previous Post

After reading over my last post a few times (checking for errors and such) it occurred to me that I wasn’t particularly sensitive to those that may have been hurt by one of these lines so this is my attempt at a more sensible, honest interpretation of those utterly awful excuses.

Firstly, I really hope you don’t die horribly. That was a quote from a spectacular film, one of my favourites: Drop Dead Fred. Do check it out if you haven’t seen it already, I can lend it to you if necessary! So here goes…

1) “It’s not you, it’s me.”
The one time I was unceremoniously dumped, this is the best the guy could come up with. Believe me when I say I know how nasty it is to be on the receiving end!

Without realising it, what they’re doing is saying “I have a problem, and in order for me to be happier, I’m going to make it your problem”. It’s a cop out. It really is. I’ve said it to people once or twice and it’s only ever been as a substitute for just not finding them attractive. Most of us have been rejected at some point in our lives, whether it’s for a job, a relationship, or a place in the school choir (which I didn’t even care about anyway, I just wanted to hang out with some of my mates. I never even cared. Fuck you Mr G, you suck). The point is, it’s a way of getting out of giving a valid reason (unless of course, they back it up with a valid reason, in which case I’d feel a bit sorry for them and offer to be there as a friend).

2) “You’re just too nice for me”
This is bollocks, and we all know it. It’s only masochists who deliberately choose to go out with someone nasty. And the chances are that if they’re a masochist, a proper masochist, you might have chosen someone else to place your affections on.

It’s not that you’re too nice, it’s usually because they don’t see you as the sort of person they want to start a relationship with. I know, why not? You’re a nice guy or gal, you’d make breakfast in bed, and take them shopping for Lego, and remember their birthday, and do all the nice things that people in love do! The thing is though, how would you feel if they just said yes, and you put all that extra effort in without ever getting a return? Love is a two way street my friend, after a while, the disillusionment kicks in and you’re both left with weeks, months, maybe years of wasted energy. Also, you might actually be a great person, and with people being a mess of insecurity and tangled up emotions, they might genuinely not want to drag you into that, even if you make it clear that’s what you want.

3) “I really don’t want to ruin our friendship”
Speaking from personal experience, this is a problem for me. Sometimes you get on so well with someone that you don’t want the dynamics of that friendship to change. If you’re unaware of someone else’s feelings, it’s really difficult to act normally around them once you find out, and this can be distressing for both parties.

The worst thing is when you’re just good friends, and then someone else makes a comment or joke about becoming more than friends. The amount of times this has planted a seed of doubt in my head which grows into a vomitous nightmare until you either rationalise why you’re so insane or just ask them out!

It’s up to you to make a decision. Either you accept that the only reason you were friends with them in the first place was to get your leg over, or you take into account that you’d rather keep them as a friend and do your best to not act awkward around them until you can let it go!

4) “That’s really sweet but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”

Firstly: “That’s really sweet”
You know what? Getting asked out by someone nice is a compliment. If someone takes the time to think about you, and harvests every screed of courage they have in their bones to take that terrifying leap just to ask you out, it makes you feel pretty good about yourself because it’s a sweet thing for a person to do.

Honestly, more often than not, they are just flattered that someone as conscientious, kind, and polite would be interested. That’s a sweet thing, it’s awesome when someone nice thinks of you that way!

Which leads onto the second part of that sentence: “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”. As difficult as it might be to imagine, especially when you’re feeling like it’s time to settle into a relationship, other people aren’t necessarily thinking the same thing. And if, a week after you ask them out, they start dating someone else, it might just be that they didn’t see you in that way.

Just because you have a crush on someone, a) it doesn’t follow that they will feel the same way and b) they’re not obliged to either. Believe it or not, you’re in control of you’re emotions. Of course you’re gonna get upset, it’s only normal. But dwelling on it won’t help.

I really hope this information has been of use! For some proper relationship advice, I go to Petra Boynton’s blog http://www.drpetra.co.uk/blog/ . She’s a great writer and will also be giving a talk at Westminster Skeptics on January 19th so if you have any specific questions, you can ask her then!

It’s been a slightly depressing post this week, hasn’t it! Next week I’ll think of something cheerier

Carmen x x

How (Not) To Handle Rejection

Hello and welcome to another edition of me preaching the controversy!

Last week, we discussed my absolute favourite method for asking out your true love. How did it go? If it went well, you’re probably reading this on some train from fuck-knows-where, having had very little sleep the night before – you saucy minx you If it didn’t go well, you might be heartbroken, despondent, and generally down in the dumps. But fear not you pretty little specimen of humanity! Help is at hand…

Unfortunately for you, I don’t know what it’s like to be rejected, as I am so absolutely wonderful that you’d have to be a complete moron to not love my awesomeness. And as we would all love to  know, morons don’t exist. And if morons don’t exist, then technically, I’ve never been rejected. Trust the logic.

If you were rejected, it’s likely that one of a few “lines” were used on you, to let you down easily. Providing you’re not too suicidal, I’d like to go through some of those lines and explain what they mean, and how you can react:

1) “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Haha! Doesn’t it just cut you? I love this line, because everyone knows it’s you. You’re the one who’s unlovable, unattractive, and downright un-fun. You’re the one who’s been following the actions of this glorious human being on Facebook, liking all their status updates, googling strange names and places you’ve never heard of, and casually dropping hints into conversations that imply you know more than you’re letting on. You’re the one who’s been google-stalking their entire family background for pity’s sake. You’re the wrong’un ‘ere matey. People like you should just die horribly!

But let’s put that to one side for a moment, because what they actually said is “it’s NOT you”. They’re expecting you to get upset, which is ok because they clearly said “it’s NOT you”. So if you get upset, it’s your own fault for assuming the generally agreed meaning of the phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me”. They win… or DO THEY?

I propose that the next time someone says this to you, you respond with one of the following:

• “Well, best of luck with that.”
• “Oh it’s you? Gosh, I hope you’re ok. Perhaps you should sit down?”
• “Yeah I wasn’t sure, but now that you’ve pointed it out, it makes a lot of sense.”

2) “You’re just too nice for me.”

I LOVE this line. It’s a totally clever way of saying “You slightly repulse me”.

Are you polite? Sensitive? Reasonably well dressed? Are you a decent human being? Well tough titty. You’re also not fanciable by this person you so adore. Any good quality you have can be turned against you like a balloon filled with poorly refridgerated milk. “But I can be mean!” I hear you whine. Yeah, I bet you can. But that’s not why they’re not attracted to you. Perhaps you’re fugly, maybe you’re a bit boring? Who knows – the point is, they’re just not that into you. And there’s nothing you can do about it, because being a bastard won’t help. (Although being a bastard is always fun.)

Try these out:

• “Euw! I can’t believe you just said that.”
• “Too nice for YOU? Do you think [insert name of local slut] would go for me?”
• “Well I suppose that is quite plausible. It’s your round by the way.”

3) “I really don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

There’s no going back now, it’s already out there. You’ve said it, you have literally just killed the friendship. How do you feel? What’s it like knowing that the precious little time you spent with this amazing person is now finished? All because you wanted to get your leg over. You utter wanker.

Yeah, you could try and backtrack, start all over etc. But they’re not stupid. They know what you’re up to, you’re just gonna stay friends with them and hope that one day they get drunk enough to let their guard down and then BAM! They punch you in the face for being such a prick. Epic lolz for the rest of us though :-)

4) “That’s really sweet but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.”

This is especially nasty when said at a speed dating evening or some other situation in which you are all looking for a relationship.

Translation: “I’m just not looking for a relationship with you, ever” (see point 2). What are they doing then? Why have they been hanging out with you all this time? I bet they weren’t even laughing at all those quips and flirtatious banter you put so much effort into preparing. And sweet? Patronising fucker. Who the hell do you think are? Sweet. Honestly. What were you expecting?

You want my advice? (One can only assume, as you’re still reading):

• Shower and change your clothes daily (this is especially true of underwear).
• Don’t accuse them of giving you misleading signals. Seriously. Even if it’s blatantly obvious.
• Don’t put it up on Facebook.
• It’s not the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, then soon enough it won’t matter.

Peace out x

Edit:

1) Please do not die horribly, or even contemplate it. I need you to visit my blog to make my stats nice and pretty.

2) If you’re really struggling with heartache, or anything related to it, please visit Relate. They know more than I do.

3) My favourite blog for sex and relationship advice is, of course, Petra Boynton’s blog. She’s also giving a talk on January 19th if you can make it?

(Not) Dating Tips For Nerds

 

Hello dearest internet nutters and demi-gods alike,

Have you missed me? I’m sure you’re bored of me apologising for not being able to blog daily, even my Twitter feed has been running a bit dry as of late, so I’ll just crack on with the meaty post, shall I? (Incidentally, vegetarianism is doing well, euphemisms shall continue as normal… normal for me anyway).

This blog post has been brought to you today by the number 4.

4 is the number of points I shall be making, and point 4 happensto be the most important point in this post – there’s actually little point in reading all this, you may as well skip to the end. But for all you love starved, insignificant, and lonely souls out there, you may take solace in the three points leading up to the incredible, mysterious, and downright genius that we have lovingly come to know as 4.

The question I have been asked several times over the last few weeks by several of my single friends can be translated thus:

“How can I get the object of my affections to go out with me?”

An excellent question, one that has plagued mankind since we humans invented the morals that god gave us. Back in the olden days, when the Bible was being written, a man could just rape a woman and he owned her. Not so in these enlightened times. Now men and woman have to be clever about it. This is where my single friends think I come in:

1. Get their attention

The first thing you need to consider is why the hell would they want anything to do with you – you who chooses to read dating tips ON THE INTERNET? It’s likely that they have some level of intelligence, are probably at least moderately attractive, maybe even a joy to be around? Yeah, sure, they might not be perfect, but they’d be perfect for you if only they gave you a chance…

Figure that out, maybe get 4 or 5 personal qualities that could be spun favourably to put you in a good light. Do something that catches their eye, turns their head a bit. If you can’t think of anything, then do us all a favour and just give up. Alternatively, ask a few friends about your good qualities. If they’re nice, they’ll have loads to say but if they’re really good friends, maybe ask a colleague.

2. Flirt outrageously

I see you’ve carried on reading… Great. You have potential. Now you have to turn on the charm a bit and flirt with them. This is easy, you can find loads of tips on flirting. Pretty much: Women, play with your hair. Men, listen to what she’s talking about and respond accordingly.

3. Start a fake bidding war

This is my favourite. You’re basically going back on all the flirting effort you’ve put in to make them work a bit for your attention. It is important to maintain a minimal level of contact. Just enough to keep them interested.

You may want to ask a friend to help you out here. They can be the fake bidder, the object of your affections is the real bidder, and you, my sumptuous bundle of manipulative love, are the prize. You and your fake bidder will only need to flirt when you know that  the person you are imagining spending the rest of your life with real bidder is watching. This should drive the stakes up, and it can possibly lead to them flirting even more outrageously for your affections than you had ever considered.

4. The most important point, so important in fact, that I had to white it out for your own protection:

ASK THEM OUT YOU NUMBNUT!<– Answer concealed within the apparently empty space.

 

Next week: How (not) to handle rejection

 

 

 

Vegging out

Some of you may be aware that just over a week ago I switched to vegetarianism. Not hardcore vegetarianism, or veganism, or even proper vegetarianism. I still eat cheese and eggs, and haribo sweets, still drink wine, and without thinking, I used a beef stock cube in a bean bolognese. It was great.

I have no reason for doing this other than I like a challenge (I’m still straight for god’s sake, surely this is evident?). I care about the environment, and the strains of meat production on various things but that has no bearing whatsoever on my decision. It really is just a whim.

The thought of skinning baby sheep for a decent lamb shank doesn’t freak me out, or fluffy bunnies boiled in a pot, or p-p-p-porky pig crackling. I really couldn’t care less about cute animals. Seriously guys, it’s just a whim.

Surprisingly, it’s been really easy to cut meat out of my diet. I’ve noticed a couple of unintended side effects: I’ve lost my awesome pot belly, and I smell slightly different, I also feel a bit healthier (maybe that’s some kind of placebo effect though).

With Christmas coming up, it will be impossible for me to carry on, my gran is cooking. It would break her heart if I didn’t eat prawn cocktail, roast lamb, chicken curry, and her fabulous bacon sprouts. There’s no way I’d offend her by not eating all that amazing food but otherwise I’m quite enjoying finding different things to use instead of meat. I’m going through a lot of mushrooms and beans.

Basically I’m not eating anything that was alive. No meat, no fish, no small children. Eggs are fine. And I’ve no problem with “slaughterhouse by-products” like rennet, gelatine, and glue. I never ate glue, but you know, for general use. I still use post it notes. I’m not going organic, although if anyone needs to offload some of their homegrown organic produce: potatoes, onions, cannabis etc, I’d be happy to take it off your hands!

Initially I assumed I’d find vegetarianism really hard but it’s totally not. I don’t know what the fuss is to be honest. It’s likely I’ll switch back to eating meat because eventually I’ll just fancy a steak and I don’t like denying myself things I want, but for now, to all my vegetarian and vegan friends: I think I get it