Deconstruction Of Previous Post
After reading over my last post a few times (checking for errors and such) it occurred to me that I wasn’t particularly sensitive to those that may have been hurt by one of these lines so this is my attempt at a more sensible, honest interpretation of those utterly awful excuses.
Firstly, I really hope you don’t die horribly. That was a quote from a spectacular film, one of my favourites: Drop Dead Fred. Do check it out if you haven’t seen it already, I can lend it to you if necessary! So here goes…
1) “It’s not you, it’s me.”
The one time I was unceremoniously dumped, this is the best the guy could come up with. Believe me when I say I know how nasty it is to be on the receiving end!
Without realising it, what they’re doing is saying “I have a problem, and in order for me to be happier, I’m going to make it your problem”. It’s a cop out. It really is. I’ve said it to people once or twice and it’s only ever been as a substitute for just not finding them attractive. Most of us have been rejected at some point in our lives, whether it’s for a job, a relationship, or a place in the school choir (which I didn’t even care about anyway, I just wanted to hang out with some of my mates. I never even cared. Fuck you Mr G, you suck). The point is, it’s a way of getting out of giving a valid reason (unless of course, they back it up with a valid reason, in which case I’d feel a bit sorry for them and offer to be there as a friend).
2) “You’re just too nice for me”
This is bollocks, and we all know it. It’s only masochists who deliberately choose to go out with someone nasty. And the chances are that if they’re a masochist, a proper masochist, you might have chosen someone else to place your affections on.
It’s not that you’re too nice, it’s usually because they don’t see you as the sort of person they want to start a relationship with. I know, why not? You’re a nice guy or gal, you’d make breakfast in bed, and take them shopping for Lego, and remember their birthday, and do all the nice things that people in love do! The thing is though, how would you feel if they just said yes, and you put all that extra effort in without ever getting a return? Love is a two way street my friend, after a while, the disillusionment kicks in and you’re both left with weeks, months, maybe years of wasted energy. Also, you might actually be a great person, and with people being a mess of insecurity and tangled up emotions, they might genuinely not want to drag you into that, even if you make it clear that’s what you want.
3) “I really don’t want to ruin our friendship”
Speaking from personal experience, this is a problem for me. Sometimes you get on so well with someone that you don’t want the dynamics of that friendship to change. If you’re unaware of someone else’s feelings, it’s really difficult to act normally around them once you find out, and this can be distressing for both parties.
The worst thing is when you’re just good friends, and then someone else makes a comment or joke about becoming more than friends. The amount of times this has planted a seed of doubt in my head which grows into a vomitous nightmare until you either rationalise why you’re so insane or just ask them out!
It’s up to you to make a decision. Either you accept that the only reason you were friends with them in the first place was to get your leg over, or you take into account that you’d rather keep them as a friend and do your best to not act awkward around them until you can let it go!
4) “That’s really sweet but I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”
Firstly: “That’s really sweet”
You know what? Getting asked out by someone nice is a compliment. If someone takes the time to think about you, and harvests every screed of courage they have in their bones to take that terrifying leap just to ask you out, it makes you feel pretty good about yourself because it’s a sweet thing for a person to do.
Honestly, more often than not, they are just flattered that someone as conscientious, kind, and polite would be interested. That’s a sweet thing, it’s awesome when someone nice thinks of you that way!
Which leads onto the second part of that sentence: “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”. As difficult as it might be to imagine, especially when you’re feeling like it’s time to settle into a relationship, other people aren’t necessarily thinking the same thing. And if, a week after you ask them out, they start dating someone else, it might just be that they didn’t see you in that way.
Just because you have a crush on someone, a) it doesn’t follow that they will feel the same way and b) they’re not obliged to either. Believe it or not, you’re in control of you’re emotions. Of course you’re gonna get upset, it’s only normal. But dwelling on it won’t help.
I really hope this information has been of use! For some proper relationship advice, I go to Petra Boynton’s blog http://www.drpetra.co.uk/blog/ . She’s a great writer and will also be giving a talk at Westminster Skeptics on January 19th so if you have any specific questions, you can ask her then!
It’s been a slightly depressing post this week, hasn’t it! Next week I’ll think of something cheerier
Carmen x x

uksceptic 5:51 pm on December 16, 2009 Permalink |
Hmm when I first read that blog title I thought you were going to talk about contraception but then I realised you didn’t have loads of silly speech bubbles popping up all over the place so you couldn’t have been. (I hope you’ve seen that new advert they are running out otherwise that will have gone right over your head!)
Funny that what women hate is almost all the things that men love. Apart from shoes that don’t fit and 19 year old goth girls, no one likes them, they don’t even like themselves.
Oddtwang 8:11 pm on December 16, 2009 Permalink |
I’d take a skinny goth girl over skid marks any day!
scriberpunk 10:15 am on December 23, 2009 Permalink |
Damn. I’m diabetic, otherwise I’d order a ton of ‘em!
I always avoid drinking water as if it’s got that good a memory then it will remember passing through skinny gith girls.
Wasp_Box 5:30 pm on January 5, 2010 Permalink |
It won’t work. You didn’t succuss it on a leather bolster, hand-stitched by Amazonian peasant women. Good grief, whatever happened to education?